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What Not To Do On A First Date
Never ask your new date if he or she has a sexually transmitted disease. Yes, it's important. But asking this kind of question telegraphs that you are anticipating the possibility of having sex with them right away – and that is insulting at the very least. In fact, don't ask your date on the first date anything horribly probing. It's not your business, at this point, whether he or she has had a nasty divorce, was a bedwetter as a child, or has a huge crush on David Hasselhoff. Stick to the basics: who are you, how do you spend your days, do you like 3 Doors Down and Evanescent?
Don't dress "the way you always dress." This was my brother's problem. He forever complained that no one liked him the way he was. Well, it was because no one could see past the hair! He started tying his hair back, and now he's happily married with a lovely daughter. Similarly, don't goof off when you prepare for your first date. Treat it with the respect it deserves. It doesn't show that you're not a fake when you don't bother to look nice; it shows that you don't respect your date. Lose the flip-flops and fave T-shirt, and try the nice dress or casual suit for once.
Don't be afraid of cutting it short and rescheduling if everything goes wrong. My worst date ever, the hibachi grill chef forgot us; the movie reel broke; and my heel fell off. We went home. It seemed foolish to tempt fate further. We went out again the next week, when apparently the stars were more auspicious, and now – well, that would be telling! But that second date was a very good date, and we were able to laugh about the first date all the way through. Which brings me to:
Don't forget to laugh. Your objective is to have a great time, and to make sure your date has a great time. Part of that is laughing together. People who experience strong emotion together tend to bond, and humor, believe it or not, is one of those emotions. That does not mean you should go out and memorize a Henny Youngman jokebook – please! Instead, consider a first date at a comedy club with a really good – not raunch – comedian. It's even nicer if you know the comedian.
Don't pretend to be anything you're not – and don't pretend not to be what you are. Whenever you lie on a date in this manner, someone's going to realize you're not telling the truth. And if you get a second date, the pressure's on to continue the lie. Remember, the objective of a date is to have a good time while showing your date a good time as well. Keeping up a facade so you look cooler, or whatever, is the way to have a terrible time.
Dating For Men Who Aren't Players
So you're not a player? Good. The real players aren't cool and admirable guys who know how to smooth-talk a girl; they're predators who figure out which girls are easy targets for their acts.
It's a lot more fun, and a lot better for your dates, if you're a real person. But sometimes it's hard to feel like you're very impressive if you're just being yourself.
You can start, though, by looking and behaving your best. The kind of women most men want love men to have enough attention and respect for themselves to look nice. That doesn't mean become a clotheshorse; the lady should still be the star of the show. But women, regardless of what they may say these days, want gentlemen who will romance them. Give yourself the appearance of one to start things out right.
Be genuine. If you're a geek, be a geek. If you are a genuinely nice guy, be who you are.
Approaching A Woman
Women, even really pretty ones, are generally flattered when approached in a non-threatening way by a man. Don’t fake anything; just as a mad dog can smell fear, women can smell fake on a guy. Instead, say something genuine, or just introduce yourself and ask if you can buy her a drink.
Here's the thing: almost everyone looks and sounds stupid when they start a conversation. That's because there isn't a natural "in" for it. Using an online dating service gives you a little more information because you can at least look for a profile. But as soon as you know she's willing to talk, start asking questions: who is she? Where does she work or go to school? Especially if she has an interesting accent, where's she from? The answer to each generic question will give you a dozen things to follow up on, and pretty soon you'll have forgotten the stupid beginning. And if she remembers, it will only be part of your charm.
Once you've gotten her to laugh two or three times, you can probably move in for the real question you have for her: will you go out with me? If she's laughing, she's a lot more likely to say yes. If you get a hint that she's shy or cautious (Mace on keyring – big tipoff!), ask her for lunch or if she'd like to meet you at a bookstore, art exhibit opening, or something very innocuous and in the daytime. Your first meeting place should be based on the common interests you've established at this point.
The First Date
You can suggest places to go and things to do, but remember, she has veto power. If she says no to something, have backup suggestions ready. And don't insist on going to the movie you want to see because you want to; you can see it later with your friends or by yourself. This is about both you and your date having fun. She also is the one who decides when the date has come to an end, so if you start getting that vibe, be ready to wrap things up.
To kiss or not to kiss – yes. Unless she's sending you the vibe "you're icky and I'm never going out with you again," you almost have to. It's her way of assessing you, too. Do not use tongue; make it a gentle, lingering pressing of lips. Don't hold her close; instead, stand close enough to feel body heat between the two of you, but not so close that she gets too much, um, physical information about you. If possible, make the last kiss indoors sans coats. Another acceptable form of physical contact is a gentle caress. You can touch her shoulders, upper arms, the top half of her back, and her cheek without coming across too strong. If she, however, initiates more contact, you can reciprocate.
Do not have sex on the first date, unless this was an unabashed hookup. Even if she makes it clear she wants to, saving it for later will raise the sexual tension. It's like saving in a bank; if you tuck the money away, you may not be able to spend it right now, but you'll have a lot more of it in the future. Not having sex on the first date is safer, and it ensures a second and probably a third one – and then you're dating anyway.
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